MATURITY IN LOVE BUILDER. I have always wondered whenever I’m alone–would I still risk loving someone even if I knew how it would sadly end? I mean, if I had a way of seeing the future and I saw how a relationship with this person would just end up in disappointment or frustration, would I still risk it? Figuring this out (or making some sense of your failed teenage love and courtship experience in the past) would build you up intellectually and emotionally.
I often recall the times I made myself a jerk over girls I had a crush on. Nope, I never courted them, but sometimes you get stupid and let them get hints of how you feel for them. But the moment they get the hint, they either play games with you or start avoiding you, like you were a plague. There were times I thought I was serious about a girl, so I sent her telegraphic messages (hints) about how I felt.
And I thought I saw some signs that she liked me and encouraging me to go on. So, we became somewhat close and I was a bit of a fool to fall for it head of over heels. But later, I found that it was all just my imagination–although sometimes you would see how someone had indeed fallen for you, only you have no proofs to back it up. So, she laughed at you and left you feeling like a jerk.
After years now with the one I really love, and looking back, I ask myself–will I still do it with that girl even if I had full knowledge that I’d end up with someone else? I tell myself, I won’t! No way I’m going to do it again–make a fool of myself–and then get laughed at before I end up with the one I really love now.
Well, the one I really love now (let’s call her my partner) once counseled me how everything that had happened before were important lessons that added to our wisdom, so that now we knew better and were maturer.
I tried to ponder on that but my mind still wouldn’t accept it. In fact, it revolted. It wasn’t easy getting fooled and laughed at and to imagine what people who saw it were thinking. I mean, I was made to believe that there was something in the girl’s looks, smiles and special attention, and then after a while, I was just dumped for someone else–though we never reached courtship stage. “That was the problem!” my dear partner exclaimed. “You never courted her so there was no point of her keeping you. But if you had courted her, you probably had won her heart!”
I looked at my dear partner. Was she serious? “And what if we did? What about you?” I asked. “We’d never have met and I’d never have a chance to see how special you really are!” She just stared at me, smiled, and looked away. “It would mean we weren’t meant to be,” she said with a melancholic tone.
I was trying to process all this in my mind but it rejected every piece of it. In fact, I so regretted how I even gave the friendship with that girl a chance! I should have ignored everything and dismissed her sweet smiles, stares, and caring with a laugh. Yeah, I should’ve done that if I knew I’d meet the girl I’d really love–my partner–one day!
Later, when my partner had gone to buy something, I mused about it all again. Indeed, though I loath about it now, there was no way I could’ve known my future. Life is like that–we won’t know till we try and actually do it. Life is a gamble. It’s an investment–you have to take risks if you want to go places and not get stuck to a wee corner of your life.
And everything adds up to your advantage, though at first, it seems the other way around. You felt like fate cheated you and made you look like a fool. You felt like a loser. But years after, when you are detached emotionally from the incident and are able to think clearly, you see the whole picture and laugh. And you see why it all had to happen. It all had a good purpose. And then you realize that valuable life lessons don’t come cheap. And if you hang on and just be patient, you’d be rewarded. I thought of my partner and smiled.